I stayed on a fold out couch in a studio style cabin in the mountians the last two nights. My parents offered me the couch so I could join them skiing during the day and I couldn’t resist. Two days of skiing!!!!! After an exhausting day on the slopes yesterday, I hit the hay quite early by my standards, out cold a few minutes later. At some point I dreamt, and on this rare occasion, remembered the dream.
I don’t dream often, or at least I never remember them. The ones I do remember stick with me for years. I remember strange dreams from being a teenager, one in particular stands out where I had my cycling buddies in a strange 3 storied house and everyone had coloured spiky hair.
Last night I dreamt, and it’s something that has been on my mind for a while, just manifesting itself in a bizzare way. I dreamt that I was thin, at the point of too thin, where people start commenting and expressing concern. However, I did not do it by bulimic activity, and not by starvation. It was a restriction, a strict adherance to eating only those foods that would nourish and support my health. Because of this restriction I was labelled as having anorexic behaviours and sent to live in a facility (remember this is my screwed up brain making this up) where I lived with other girls who were too thin by bulimia, anorexia, restrictive behaviour or those that were just labelled as too thin thanks to awesome genetics. They (who ‘they’ where I don’t know…. nurses?) wouldn’t allow us to leave, and we stayed in this building, in plain, undecorated rooms. We were forced to finish everything on our plates and even though they let us leave right after meals, I didn’t purge.
I somehow escaped at night and hid in the city. I had a car and was terrified to go home in case ‘they’ came to get me. I made money buy selling second hand stuff that was worth something and I remember it was cold and rained. I remember taking a ciry train and thinking someone had recognized me, I jumped off.
Even in this midst of this messed up dream, my focus was on eating healthy foods and not over indulging. I was concerned about some of the foods that I had been required to consume while in the facility as while they hadn’t increased my waist size and my skinny jeans fit perfectly (ha! I wish!!!!), I didn’t know my weight, I was not happy about their lack of nutirtional benefits. I do remember being asked to drink a glass of milk and refusing as I don’t drink milk. I haven’t in years, I just have a dash in my orange pekoe tea and when I explained this ‘they’ said it was ok for me not to have milk.
One night, I went to go sell my second hand treasures and ran into my boss. In my dream I said no, it wouldn’t be him, and it changed to someone else I know. He very gently and cautiously approached me, like I would do a cat, and told me why I needed to be in this facility. He explained that I was too thin, that I was unhealthy, and that they could monitor my nutritional needs and once they were comfortable that I was adequately managing my own intake I could be released.
At that point my step mom turned on the coffee pot and I woke up. It’s stuck with me all day and as I nodded off on the 30min ride back from the ski hill I was right back in this little world my brain had conjoured up.
For me, this weekend marks 4 weeks until my first run of the season. I am horribly out of shape compared to last year and I need some strict planning to be able to pull this off. I’ve not put on a lot of weight, only 5lbs in the last 4 months, but I feel fatter and my jeans fit tighter. Despite not wanting to jump back into the cycle of binging and purging, I need to jump back into a habit of restriction.
Now I’m not talking going down to 500 calories a day. I’m thinking of aiming for 1000-1200 a day, but I’m not counting madly like I once used to. I need to clean up my diet, focus on water and caffiene free teas, and no garbage.
Along the way I heard from a few friends who did the 30 day shred and loved it. They used it and it helped them take off a few inches as well as get back onto a routine. I rented it from the library intending on starting tomorrow. I belive it’s designed to solely be a program in itself, however I was planning on supplimenting it with runs 2-4 times a week.
If dreams are just your brain thinking through thoughts in the back of your mind, my desire to be thin and healthy is still there, it’s just been burried under the crap food I’ve been eating. Tomorrow I’ll try and find that part of me again….. I’d like to look forward to a summer of shorts, lululemon, and skinny jeans.