It didn’t take very long at all to slip back into a very old groove. I’ve ceased craving many nasty sugary, fatty foods and have no desire to run out and buy whatever it is I crave at that time.
I’ve neglected any exercising this week, blaming my work schoedule for that (and it snowed on Monday and Tuesday…. I’m really fed up of snow!) but have to get back on it this weekend, lousy schedule or not.
I’ve dropped about 5lbs this week, faster than I thought but nonetheless I’m pleased!
Friday after work I raced to what was supposed to be a fancy fundraiser dinner for my boyfriend’s son’s school. Turned out it was a fundraiser but of talent and a fashion show with tiny cakes served after. In other words I skipped dinner. At 10pm I ate most of a small bowl of chicken noodle soup, then on Saturday after breakfast at the boyfriends house, proceeded to skip the rest of the day’s meals instead opting for a bite of quinoa salad and plenty of tea. Sunday then began with breakfast, followed by dinner and by Monday I was dropping a few pounds.
Today it hit me as I shopped for the weeks lunch supplies that I was back in the habit of shopping by labels and falling back to my old standbys. I skipped eating, opting for a protein shake this morning (I make them so they’re not as high calories and sugar) a few bites of lettuce for a late lunch and dinner at a friends where I served myself small portions.
I can only hope that the scale goes down again tomorrow….
I am 11lbs heavier than I was at my lightest but already in the last week I am feeling better just with the last 4lbs that have come off. It’s remarkable how much more energetic and content I feel with myself just from implementing some of my rules again. I had forgotten what a comfort it was.
How hard can it be to lose those 11lbs again, especially after this last year (or two since I was that low!) of eating normally, and lately indulging in garbage I never would have tolerated. A part of me is amazed that I didn’t gain more than that, but a larger part is horrified I allowed myself to gain anything. My body has had a rest and now it’s time to fire it up again.
Get rid of the junk. I used to be so careful about what went into my body. If it was processed there wasn’t much chance of it making it past my lips. Time to return to that. Also, I used to be very careful about any sugar, or treats that I had, limiting them to once a week on a Saturday evening. It turned into a binge, and now it’s an every day urge I must fight and usually fail. I don’t need that treat. I don’t need to just say oh well and eat the lot. I just need to ignore it and remember what my goal is.
I have a 10km run in 7 weeks, and I haven’t done 10km in months. The plan was to go out tomorrow but the nice fresh dump of snow (yes, that’s right, snow) we got today will nix that idea. It will be far too slippery with the freezing tonight to consider running on it. Which means a workout at home.
I plan to focus on running and cycling as an alternative, chosing to become leaner via cardio as opposed to weight training. Ultimatly, as I become lighter, my speed will increase as will my distance.
My goal is to lose 8lbs in 7 weeks which puts me at an even number and poised to lose much more.
My goal: Leaner, cleaner and lighter.
I need jeans. I have one good pair and one work pair. The good pair is in my ‘small’ size which is getting a bit too much on the small size. The work pair is a size too big, old and ratty. I need a nice pair that fit comfortably, only 1″ bigger.
There’s a store I have gone to for years for jeans, probably at least ten years I have purchased the same style. I have gone from a 36″ waist to the 29″ I am now in the exact same style, just different colours. It’s a super easy style to remember as the name is the same as mine. I walked into the store, and catastophe struck. They had no ‘Kate’ style!!!! Not a single pair, at all, nowhere to be found. I asked at the checkout and the gal said they hadn’t had any for a while.
I called around to the other malls in the city and while a few stores had the odd pair left, none in any size close to what I would wear ( 2″ short in the legs would not be a good thing!). Fortunatly the one gal put a guy on the line who knew what was going on. Something about a shipment hadn’t arrived, new styles coming in, but they were keeping my style.
I was relieved. I like this style as I have massive tree trunk legs from my teenage years of cycling and speedskating, followed by the last few years of lifting weights ( I was aiming to lift heavy weights. To clarify, lifting weights does not make you have massive legs. Only when you start squating 190lbs and heavily muscled legs are your aim does that happen) and these pants have the wider leg. To switch styles would mean some research, aka window shopping, which I hate. It would also mean hours of self loathing as I try on pair after pair that won’t fit my giant derriere.
Disaster is averted by a hope of pants coming in to a store near me soon, but what if they had discontinued the line?
I need to focus. Birthday week is over, I have no more excuses. It may be -18C some mornings (like this one!) so no outdoor running in those temperatures, but it’s started to be nice later on. Time for me to start adding up the miles. Jeans shopping need to be fun…. and a trip to Lululemon needs not to be depressing.
I ate a lot yesterday…… I ate more than usual over the past weekend, yet the scale was kind to me this morning. I have not gone up at all, despite not weighing myself for several days.
It wasn’t a binge, more like many many little meals of garbage food. I’ve had cake twice over the weekend, eaten chicken fingers and fries at the ski hill, had a breakfast with a waffle and a sausage that morning, and ate a burger for dinner. I have drank more diet soda this weekend than the last few months put together.
Overall I don’t feel too bad though I am noticing the cravings for sugar today.
I frequently see my birthday as a milestone, not just in that one year older way. Two years ago I was striving to lose more and more weight, being at my lowest weith almost 13lbs ago. Last year I was all over the place with binging and weighed close to what I do now despite some excessive exercising.
Yet another birthday passes, and yet again I am reminded that I am no where near as light as I would like to be. In my dream land I have another 30lbs to go but that would put me at very tiny and I’m not sure my body can physically go that tiny. If I could lose 10lbs and make it pure fat at this point I’d be overjoyed.
I am abandonning the weight lifting routine I have been in over the past few years. This isn’t to say that I won’t lift any weights, but they will not be my primary source of exercise. I need to be smaller, and then I will work on a bit of definition for muscles, not gain muscle weight and unable to lose the size. I plan to focus on running, and by the June races be in some gorgeous Lulu or MEC running pants, and my September;s 10km race, be dropping minutes off last years time. Lighter means faster right?
I have discovered in the last few months what science tells us and my brain has struggled with. The exercise really only can do so much. You can lose or gain weight based solely on what you eat. I have maintained my weight with almost no exercise, eating decently and running the race earlier this month with barely any training but focused on eating what is good for me.
I still will need to battle the cravings and the desire to binge, I fear that will always be with me and will be tough during this week after indulging and with the events that I have coming up.
My goal for my next birthday will be the same as it has been in the past, hopefully this time I’ll actually be able to get there. Just be smaller.
At the beginning of my weight loss journey I began to run. I was pretty terrible. I’d run a block and walk two for about 20minutes. Within around 2 months I was running two blocks and walking one. Still lame.
I did my first race, the Moonlight Run, 2 years ago in the dark and snow, 8 months after joining a gym, restricting severely, losing 50lbs and doing a bit of training. A simple 6km where I posted a decent time for me. the following year I posted a time that was 4 minutes faster, still in the snow and dark. This Saturday I will be in it again for the third year. Again it will be dark and if not snowing, there will be snow on the ground (we had 15cm today. Not much chance it’s going to melt in a week with the upcomming weather). This year I am about 5lbs heavier than last year, and I swear it’s all fat. I haven’t trained very much for this run, not doing more than a few km in a while. I’ve eaten poorly and done almost no prep. I also feel terrible about my body, and where I am, as well as not very motivated to do much about it.
I am constantly going back and forth. I restrict for a day, then binge the next and over and over it goes. My weight fluctuates within the same 5lb range, 10lbs above what I used to be. I have gained fat around my rear and legs, I have flab where I didn’t before. What muscle definition I had is gone, the lean look that was coming is long gone. Oh, I so want it.
I believe it’s my indecision that is messing me up. I decide to restrict, then change my mind, have a slip up, decide that it won’t hurt for one day and try to eat differently. I just keep going around and around, never sticking with one diet plan.
It’s the same with workouts. I’m bored of the gym. With my old trainer I had guidance and motivation. Without him I’m concerned about hurting myself, as well as bored with the exercises. I also didn’t like the time I was at the gym. Over an hour was too much for me as I began to get bored and fed up.
Running is a tough one. For example: On March 2nd the last of the snow melted from our yard. We have had snow in our yard since mid October. It lasted a whole day. Today we received 15cm of snow. Thanks mother nature. Basically if there hasn’t been snow and ice covering everything, it’s been -10C or below. I ran at the track a few times but oh, how I hate it so. It’s now the time of year that I can start going outside, as long as there’s enough clear pathway spots and warm enough temperatures to do so (about -5C to avoid freezing my lungs). It’ll be slow going as dodging the ample leftover ice plus whatever we get in the next two months but it’s something.
I tried a workout video. I’ve got the 30 day shred by Jillian Michaels. So far I’m up to day 9 and it’s taken me 3 weeks to get here. Kind of defeating the purpose. I just keep skipping days. I enjoy it. I just need to do it.
For this week I can’t really do too much. I plan on doing the 30 Day Shred for a few days, but going back to level 1. On Friday I’ll do nothing before the race. I may go to the track as the way the weather is looking there’ll be no running outdoors here (the race in south of here at my parents home town. it’ll be warmer and most of the snow will have melted….)
For food I think I need to return to a plan that may have worked had I given it a chance. It’s still healthy but not as restrictive. It’s based on eating protein and less carbs, which while it takes some getting used to lower carbs (and by low I mean 100g or less) the protein keeps me fuller longer.
This weekend will be a write off for the race. I aim to finish, preferably still running, and under my first posted time. I have 3 more races this year to work towards. I think that lean and in great running condition should be my goal, not thin yet muscled. I want to run, not jiggle.
I stayed on a fold out couch in a studio style cabin in the mountians the last two nights. My parents offered me the couch so I could join them skiing during the day and I couldn’t resist. Two days of skiing!!!!! After an exhausting day on the slopes yesterday, I hit the hay quite early by my standards, out cold a few minutes later. At some point I dreamt, and on this rare occasion, remembered the dream.
I don’t dream often, or at least I never remember them. The ones I do remember stick with me for years. I remember strange dreams from being a teenager, one in particular stands out where I had my cycling buddies in a strange 3 storied house and everyone had coloured spiky hair.
Last night I dreamt, and it’s something that has been on my mind for a while, just manifesting itself in a bizzare way. I dreamt that I was thin, at the point of too thin, where people start commenting and expressing concern. However, I did not do it by bulimic activity, and not by starvation. It was a restriction, a strict adherance to eating only those foods that would nourish and support my health. Because of this restriction I was labelled as having anorexic behaviours and sent to live in a facility (remember this is my screwed up brain making this up) where I lived with other girls who were too thin by bulimia, anorexia, restrictive behaviour or those that were just labelled as too thin thanks to awesome genetics. They (who ‘they’ where I don’t know…. nurses?) wouldn’t allow us to leave, and we stayed in this building, in plain, undecorated rooms. We were forced to finish everything on our plates and even though they let us leave right after meals, I didn’t purge.
I somehow escaped at night and hid in the city. I had a car and was terrified to go home in case ‘they’ came to get me. I made money buy selling second hand stuff that was worth something and I remember it was cold and rained. I remember taking a ciry train and thinking someone had recognized me, I jumped off.
Even in this midst of this messed up dream, my focus was on eating healthy foods and not over indulging. I was concerned about some of the foods that I had been required to consume while in the facility as while they hadn’t increased my waist size and my skinny jeans fit perfectly (ha! I wish!!!!), I didn’t know my weight, I was not happy about their lack of nutirtional benefits. I do remember being asked to drink a glass of milk and refusing as I don’t drink milk. I haven’t in years, I just have a dash in my orange pekoe tea and when I explained this ‘they’ said it was ok for me not to have milk.
One night, I went to go sell my second hand treasures and ran into my boss. In my dream I said no, it wouldn’t be him, and it changed to someone else I know. He very gently and cautiously approached me, like I would do a cat, and told me why I needed to be in this facility. He explained that I was too thin, that I was unhealthy, and that they could monitor my nutritional needs and once they were comfortable that I was adequately managing my own intake I could be released.
At that point my step mom turned on the coffee pot and I woke up. It’s stuck with me all day and as I nodded off on the 30min ride back from the ski hill I was right back in this little world my brain had conjoured up.
For me, this weekend marks 4 weeks until my first run of the season. I am horribly out of shape compared to last year and I need some strict planning to be able to pull this off. I’ve not put on a lot of weight, only 5lbs in the last 4 months, but I feel fatter and my jeans fit tighter. Despite not wanting to jump back into the cycle of binging and purging, I need to jump back into a habit of restriction.
Now I’m not talking going down to 500 calories a day. I’m thinking of aiming for 1000-1200 a day, but I’m not counting madly like I once used to. I need to clean up my diet, focus on water and caffiene free teas, and no garbage.
Along the way I heard from a few friends who did the 30 day shred and loved it. They used it and it helped them take off a few inches as well as get back onto a routine. I rented it from the library intending on starting tomorrow. I belive it’s designed to solely be a program in itself, however I was planning on supplimenting it with runs 2-4 times a week.
If dreams are just your brain thinking through thoughts in the back of your mind, my desire to be thin and healthy is still there, it’s just been burried under the crap food I’ve been eating. Tomorrow I’ll try and find that part of me again….. I’d like to look forward to a summer of shorts, lululemon, and skinny jeans.
I dropped a few pounds being sick, and as I wondered, it’s got me back into old thinking. It doesn’t help that my stomach is having serious reservations about digesting some things. Unfortunatly coffee seems to be on the list of things that make my stomach ache.
I have 6 weeks and 5 days until my first run of the year and I’m hoping I can be a few pounds lighter by then. Thanks to being sick last week I missed three workouts, 2 runs and one day of weights. I went skiing yesterday and wiped out my poor legs but today they don’t feel so bad. I’m debating going to the gym today instead of tomorrow.
Either way I’m eating much lighter, trying to cut a calorie here and a calorie there.
I’m going away this weekend for a big conference with a bunch of people from my church. I checked out the hotel and they have an awesome fitness center. Not one of these tiny things with 2 treadmills and a few weight machines. It’s got multiple different cardio equipment and weights. See how early I am able to get up and how best I can do this without getting suspicions up.
The goal isn’t necessarily ‘skinny’ as I don’t think I’ll ever reach my ideal of skinny. I think that no matter what, I won’t be happy. For now I just want to lose the weight I’ve put on in the past year or so. I want to fit into the next smallest jean size, get into the Lulu shirt that I have, buy more clothing in smaller sizes…. It’s all vanity, but ultimatly, if I weigh less, I’ll run faster. For now that’s what’s driving me.
And yes, I think I’ll go to the gym today.
